Fatherhood
by Sakiku
Summary: Snape and Harry have an unsettling conversation about their relationship and fatherhood and why male pregnacy is not supposed to work. An ever-growing collection of humorous one-shots targeting fanfiction cliches.
1. Fatherhood

**Disclaimer:**

Harry Potter belongs to J.K.Rowling, and I do not make any money of this piece of utter nonsense.

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**Fatherhood**

"I am your father, Harry."

"Say what!?!"

"I. Am. Your. Father. Has your rudimentary brain capacity regressed so much that even such elementary vocabulary is beyond your reasoning?"

"… Have you, by any chance, watched too many muggle movies lately?"

"Of what relevance is this?"

"'I am your father!'"

"I truly did not think that your cerebral activities approximated a flat line, Mr. Potter. Clearly, you have managed to astound me once again through refraining to grasp even most simplistic concepts. _I_ am _your_ father, not you mine."

"You could lay off with the insults a bit, I'm not completely daft. I know that I'm not your father! I mean, 'I am your father, Harry!'. Couldn't you have stolen a less offensive quote from Star Wars?"

"Is that supposed to be a reference to your so-called 'movies'? Rest assured Mr. Potter, I do not indulge in such foul pastime. Muggle entertainment does not hold any value whatsoever."

"… Racist jerk. So, how come you are telling me now that you're my father? Just last month, you told me that you were madly, utterly beyond reasonably in love with me. I don't think that what's been happening between us two is anywhere near 'paternal' unless you've got a very, very sick mind!"

"I assure you my objection to such mundane entertainment does not originate from any residual pure-blood notions that I might have supported during my early years. I merely do not see any reason for prematurely deadening my brain cells by allowing such utter nonsense to waste time and clutter space."

"Yes, yes, alright, I get it. You've never watched Star Wars, and you don't like movies in general. Now, what about that relationship between us? The one that is kind of far from 'paternal'?"

"I am your father."

"You already said so. Does that mean that you're calling it off again, or do you merely have a kink for incest?"

"… 'Kink for incest'? Mr. Potter, I assure you that I do not intend to participate in such depravities."

"What's it with that 'Mr. Potter'-crap all of a sudden? I thought you agreed to call me 'Harry'. And, if I'm your son, shouldn't that be 'Snape' rather than 'Potter', anyways?"

"As you wish, Mr. Snape. Since I am unwilling to copulate with my own off-spring, our relationship will have to become less carnal."

"Oh, now you want to keep having a relationship? Just 'less carnal'? That's great. Excellent. Then what about that proclamation of undying love last week? That you'd never leave my side? That we'd always be together? Tell you what, Snape, you're a father."

"I am not going to leave you, and I do still feel … affection for you. Our common activities will merely have to be reduced to an acceptable level. And yes, I am aware that you are my son. That is what I have been attempting to impart to you."

"No, no, no. You don't understand. You. Are a father. And me, too. Or mother. Or whatever you want to call it."

"-Sigh-. What did you do now, Potter?"

"We're back to 'Potter'? I thought, since I'm supposed to be your son, it was 'Snape'? And that's your fault as well."

"Force of habit. Now explain your scatter-brained ramblings."

"You. Are. A. Father. Or has your rudimentary brain capacity regressed so much that even such elementary vocabulary is beyond your reasoning?"

"Do not twist my own words against me, Potter –"

"Snape!"

" – Harry!"

"We're on first names again? Well, Severus, then let me explain. Since you've missed out on all of my baby years, you can go right on and keep practicing your parental affections with your grandson, who will arrive in approximately eight and a half months."

"What!?!"

"Now you're using my words. You _do_ remember that I'm famous for making the impossible possible, don't you? That the more people say it can't be done, the more likely it will happen to me? Guess what: Magic has decided that, no matter what gender I am, babies can be made by being drilled into the wall of the Potions classroom!"

"… - … You… Are pregnant?"

"No shit, Sherlock!"

"… And I'm the father?"

"After all that crap you've been telling me just now, I'm not quite sure about your relation in that whole mess. I suppose you could be called father since you're not the one who ended up with it. But if I'm your son, you're grand-father as well, from the maternal side."

"That is physically impossible."

"Hello? What did I just tell you about the 'Boy-Who-Lived'-factor? Better believe it, or you're going to be very unhappy the next eight months. Which you're going to be anyways because of that 'I'm your father'-shit! Couldn't you have told me earlier before we got to _this_ problem?"

"… How?"

"By opening your mouth!"

"Do you seriously intend to tell me that you are with child because I opened my mouth?"

"No! You should have used your _mouth_ to tell me that you're my father. The rest is because you've used something else, and plenty of interference from magic herself."

"Then where is the baby?"

"In here!"

"… Mr. Potter, -"

" – Snape! – "

" – this is a snitch."

"What? Not big enough for you? You do realize that babies don't pop into existence fully grown, don't you? I bet that you weren't that big in your second week."

"Your meager attempts at insulting me aside, I have always known you to be intelligently challenged. But it is new to me that you have become mentally unstable as well. Has your unhealthy love for that asinine sport progressed so much that you think a _ball_ will be our future child?"

"This is not a ball! That's the womb where our unborn baby is!"

"Then what do you propose will happen once the 'baby's' size increases?"

"The womb will stretch. Or magic. How should I know? Since I'm a man, you didn't really believe that I'd be carrying our child _inside_ me, did you? Not even magic can alter my plumbing enough for that! Instead, magic took our two essences, mixed and shook and spliced and did Merlin knows what to them, and voila, one brand new cell. The rest is history: Because the snitch was the closest thing of acceptable size nearby, magic put that cell inside this ball, tied it to my life and magic and blood circulation and whatnot, and until it's fully grown the baby has to stay in there!"

"… In short, you want to hatch a magically inseminated snitch for the next eight and a half months."

Finally, Harry couldn't keep it in any longer and burst out laughing. The rest of the audience which consisted of the entire teaching staff of Hogwarts, including the Headmaster, Mr. Filch, his cat, and half of Hogwarts' ghost population, had already succumbed to laughter a long time ago.

Wiping tears of mirth from his eyes, Harry choked out accusatorily: "That's all your fault!"

Snape's corners of his mouth gave away how close he was to giving in to the overall hilarity. "Because I 'drilled you into the wall of the Potions classroom' as you so eloquently put it?"

Then, even his formidable composure was lost, and the potions master joined into the laughter.

An indeterminate amount of time later, the room had calmed down so far that only occasional chuckles escaped, most of them caused by Severus Snape, the potions master, and Harry Potter, the defense teacher, mock-glaring at each other.

"As usual, excellent show my dear boys," the headmaster congratulated. "What a fabulous start into the new school year. I am looking forward to what you are going to come up with next year."

Harry snorted, putting an arm around Severus' shoulders. "I think we covered the vampire and heritage rumors last year, and the 'I'm training for Dragon Lord' one the year before. I'd say 'Voldemort II' is next, don't you?"

Minerva smirked. "The list says 'soul mates'. And, don't worry, the list is still growing at a rate that I will be well into my third century until you have settled that debt."

Harry groaned and Severus looked somewhat disgruntled. "Next time when you're betting, Potter, make sure you are sober. And never promise my involvement again!"

-The End-

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**A/N:**

Pure nonsense after a conversation with my friend about Harry and Snape's relationships in fanfiction. She claimed that most of the time, it was either Severitus or Snarry, and Harry becomes pregnant with alarming frequency. Then I said, why not put all three of them into one fanfic? This is the result...

If you know of further Snape/Harry cliches, you could leave them in your review, and perhaps I will continue this story?

Sakiku


	2. Herbal Remedies

**A/N:** Pure insanity.

**Disclaimer:** See 1st chapter

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**Herbal Remedies**

„Hello. My name is Severus Snape, and I am looking for a Harry Potter."

„Harry Who?"

„Potter. I was told he lives here."

„Well, my name is Harry Dursley. You must have the wrong address."

„Number 4 Privet drive?"

„That's here."

„Harry Dursley?"

„That's my name."

„Your … mother's name wouldn't be Petunia Dursley, by any chance?"

„How did you know?"

„… She is listed in the yellow pages as supplier of herbal remedies."

„Quick! Come inside! What did you think when putting on such strange clothes? Do you really want to draw attention?"

„Excuse me?"

„Well, aren't you here to get some grass?"

„Why would I come to your door to get something that grows in abundance on every meadow?"

„In abundance? On every meadow? Just where do you come from? Jamaica?"

„Do I look like I could be from Jamaica?"

„No you don't. If you aren't here to buy pot, then how did you know the codeword?"

„Codeword?"

„That my mom's listed in the yellow pages as supplier of herbal remedies."

„That was a joke, Mr. … Dursley."

„... I always knew that. Well, now that you know that there's no Harry Potter around, can I help you with anything else? Can I interest you in any other … herbs?"

„No, thank you, I have my own supplies. Do you perchance have a scar on your forehead that looks like lightening?"

„Well, mom said it looked like lightening before I ran against the radiator while playing football indoors; now it looks more like some kind of star or sun."

"Ah. Would you mind answering a few questions?"

"I haven't minded answering them so far, so shoot."

"Do you feel abused or neglected by your … parents?"

"Why should I?"

"Please answer the question, Mr. Dursley."

"No."

"Have they always treated you properly?"

"Well, except for the one time when my dad gave me weed as a baby so that I'd stop crying, they've been pretty good to me. Mom really chewed him out for that."

"They do not lock you in, deny you food or drink, or misuse you as cheap slave-labor?"

"Not since I've entered the Slave Union."

"Pardon?"

"No, for goodness' sake. Are you one of those social service people? The others had the same strange uniform you're wearing."

"Which others?"

"Those weirdos that have come up to us and asked about Harry Potter. A few of them showed me that really cool tattoo on their forearm. Do you have one, too?"

"Tattoo? Have they threatened you in any way?"

"Well, they always mumbled something about 'AvKav' and looked pretty fanatic, so I thought they were desperate for a quick fix. I let them try my joint, and off they were into lala-land. Never seen anyone get high so quickly. I don't think they even realized when my dad dragged them to the homeless shelter."

"They didn't harm you?"

"Nah, they were just waving silly sticks around. One of them even spewed some nonsense that some kind of dark lord was coming to get me. Come to think of it, you look pretty much like their description. Are you that dark lord?"

"No!"

"Hey, relax man, didn't want to insult you! I'll just go back to answering your questions, okay?"

"Your parents have never touched you in an inappropriate way?"

"Well…"

"Yes?"

"… are you one of those kind of people that think that two men touching each other is a crime?"

"Since you are underage, I'd say that it would also be a crime if a woman touched you that way."

"So you're not only homophobic, but heterophobic, too. Never met someone biphobic in my life. Do you like animals?"

"I do not like animals!"

"Then your life's got to be pretty lonely, with nobody giving you any hugs."

"Hugs?"

"Well, yes? To hug someone, you've got to touch them."

"… So your parents have only been hugging you?"

"My brother, too, but that's more or less it."

"Then your earlier question was about whether your father and your brother hugging you was a crime?"

"Sure. You aren't homophobic after all?"

"…"

"Okay, okay, I get it. I'll stop asking. Any other questions, because I got to get back inside soon. Dinner's got to be ready in a few minutes."

"No, thank you, I don't have any other questions. There seems to have been some kind of mixup."

"No problem. Good bye, Mr. Snape!"

"Good day, Mr. Dursley. Albus, the next time you suspect anyone's abusing your Boy-Who-Lived, you're going to go yourself!"

Both Severus Snape, resident Potions Master, and Harry Potter, resident Defense Against the Dark Arts Master, turned towards the assembled teachers and ghosts, bowing to thunderous applause.

Minerva was wiping tears of mirth from her eyes, making a check after the next rumor. Those start-of-term-faculty-meetings had really livened up ever since that bet. She was looking forward to what those two would come up with next year…

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**A/N:** Another piece of full-fledged insanity. In the beginning, I wanted to take a shot at all those Snape-hates-Harry-but-when-he-sees-his-homelife-gets-sugary-friendly-stories, but I think this one turned out as something completely different. I hope you enjoyed it!

Sakiku


	3. Soulmates

**Disclaimer:** See 1st chapter

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**Soulmates**

"As much as it irks me to tell you, I must. We are soulmates, Mr. Potter."

"Ah?"

"Now that you are of age, it is of absolute importance that you are bonded to your soulmate as soon as possible. As long as you aren't grounded by your soulmate, your already negligible magical strength will diminish, and then it will be even easier for the Dark Lord to kill you."

"Okay."

"We need to perform a bonding ceremony at the coming full moon to pool our strength so that I can support your fight against Voldemort."

"Mhm."

"Once we are bonded, we will be able to hear each other's thoughts, feel each other's feelings, and be able to find each other, no matter where we are and how we are hidden."

"I see."

"… Mr. Potter?"

"Yes?"

"Have you been listening?"

"Oh, I have been listening. I was just wondering how much nonsense you were going to spew on your own."

"You might be seventeen now, but you are still a student here! I would do you good to respect your teachers, Mr. Potter! I can assure you that I am not very happy about this turn of events, either, but I dislike seeing the Dark Lord rule even more."

"How do you know we are soulmates?"

"…"

"Yes, I am waiting?"

"I have seen it during your Occlumency lessons."

"Mhm. And how fast are my powers going to deteriorate if I'm not bonded to you?"

"Within a year, you should loose half your strength."

"Then, since you haven't had a soulmate for over 20 years, your magical strength has been reduced how much? Somehow, I don't think you can go into the negatives."

"No, there is no 'negative magical power'! And the drain will only start as soon as both partners are of age."

"Oh, some kind of magical fail-safe? Say, have you already felt your powers diminishing, compared to a year ago, or so?"

"Not yet. But since your birthday was only five weeks ago, I don't expect much to happen yet."

"Very interesting. What if I tell you that there is no such thing as soulmates?"

"That is preposterous, Mr. Potter! There have been soulmate bondings for centuries!"

"Oh, stuff that crap you're trying to feed me! I'm not going to let myself get dragged into the insane scheme you and the headmaster have concocted. There are several mistakes you have made: First, there were no silencing spells on Dumbledore's office last night. I heard the two of you arguing down to the gargoyle. I wonder how he managed to convince you to go along with his insane spiel, I couldn't hear that part."

"Eavesdropping on the headmaster, Mr. Potter? I think that will be a hundred points from Gryffindor, and detention with Mr. Filch for the next five months!"

"Suit yourself. Secondly, Hermione has turned 17 during October last year, and since she's heard of the soulmate rumor, she's done some research into it. Turns out it was just that, a rumor. Otherwise she couldn't have finished her 6th year exams that well, could she? She definitely hasn't been bonded to anyone yet. And thirdly, I have turned eighteen, not seventeen."

"Mr. Potter, you astound me once again. I have it on good authority that even muggle children learn basic math in their elementary education. You were born in 1980, and we have 1997 now. Counting with the help of your fingers and your toes, even someone as illiterate as you should be able to calculate their age correctly."

"Lay it off with the insults, will you? You're just irked that I'm not playing along like the naïve little Boy-Who-Lived. And I've turned eighteen."

"Then, care to illuminate on how you came to such a stunning miscalculation?"

"Easy. Ever heard of time-travel?"

"Time turners cannot turn you back more than 24 hours, Mr. Potter. Think of a better excuse."

"Oh, but it wasn't a time turner. It was a full-blown rip-in-time-space-continuum, or some other nonsense like that. It appeared on my birthday, sucked me in, and just three weeks ago, I managed to get back to 1997 again."

"Indeed? Your lying skills are abysmal, Mr. Potter. But don't let me discourage you. Who have you been staying with? The Hogwarts Founders, since even you should know enough about them to fake a few memories? Or Merlin? Perhaps some ancient warlock who has imparted the secrets of elemental and wandless magic on you?"

"… Uric the Oddball."

"Uric the… So jellyfish hats are no muggle fashion?"

"No, they are not. Sorry, wearing it has become a habit. You're just lucky I remembered to get dressed this morning."

"… Do I want to know?"

"Oh, I'm quite sure it's nothing like what you're thinking, unless you've got a really, really sordid imagination."

"…"

"Just joking! Good grief, banging around with Voldemort isn't _that_ bad!"

"Banging – Voldemort – The Dark Lord was here in the castle last night!?!"

"Nah, I went to him after having to listen to what you and Dumbles were discussing. He laughed himself sick, too."

"How long have you been sleeping with the Dark Lord?"

"Oh, I can assure you, we haven't been sleeping."

"Just answer the question, you imbecilic moron! Do you have any idea how much damage you have done!?!"

"Damage? I didn't do any damage. More like I prevented it. Or have you heard of any raids or Death Eater activities during the last three weeks?"

"How – what – "

"I'm sure you already know the 'how'. As for the 'what', as long as I can keep him busy during the night, he can't do any planning. And then, during the day, he's too exhausted to do any planning. And without plans, there are no raids."

"Then how come _you_ aren't exhausted during the day?"

"Oh, I took control of my soulbond with Voldemort."

"You did _what_?"

"Oh, come on, after all the crap you've been telling me about soulmates, you can't tell me you haven't even heard of soulbonds?"

"For your information, I am very familiar with the concept of soulbonds. But I'd like to hear what kind of convoluted ideas you have about it."

"Just admit it, you don't know what I'm talking about."

"Potter!"

"Alright, alright. Considering what you've been saying, maybe you _do_ know about soulbonds. They are pretty much the one-sided version of your fictional soulmates. The initiator can hear the recipient's thoughts, influence the recipient's feelings, draw on the recipient's magic, and always know where the recipient is. The recipient can only do those things if the initiator allows him to. Come to think about it – was that what you and Dumbles were trying to do to me?"

"… No."

"If you say so… Aren't you curious how the soulbond came into being?"

"Somehow, I think you are going to tell me whether I like it or not."

"That's right! Well, when he shot the killing curse at me, a piece of his soul came with it. Somehow, I connected his soul to mine before the killing curse could act, meaning that I was able to reflect the 'killing' part of the curse onto him. On the other hand, it was me who kept his soul alive until he found another body. And since I didn't know about the soulbond, I couldn't prevent him from using it against me, resulting in that mess from 5th year. But during my time with Uric, I learned that I was the one in control, and once I returned, I immediately turned the tables on him."

"So you are controlling the Dark Lord now?"

"Well, not really controlling, but…"

"But what?"

"Have you noticed how my homework grades are astronomical this term?"

"Since your essays are even lengthier than Ms. Granger's, I have been wondering who you have been copying from."

"Well… hm… whenever Voldemort starts thinking about purebloodedness and world domination and such, I can hear it through the bond, and then I kind of … well, how to word it…"

"You kind of what? Out with it, Mr. Potter, that could be important!"

"Well, whenever he starts with his spiel, I give him the urge to do my homework!"

"I knew it! Another 100 points from Gryffindor for cheating, and we're going to see the headmaster right NOW!"

The whole Hogwarts staff room broke out into laughter when Severus Snape, glowering Potions Master, and Harry Potter, smirking Defense Master, bowed to Albus Dumbledore. Finally, even the ever-grumpy dark-haired man couldn't keep back a slight twitching of the corners of his mouth.

In between chuckles, the headmaster nodded. "My dear boys, what an excellent performance. And, Mr. Potter, those hundred points Severus just took from you will be refunded for finding a creative excuse for cheating on your homework. During my whole teaching career, I haven't heard that one yet."

Harry Potter cheered indignantly. "Hey, and what about those 100 points and the detention for disrespecting a teacher?"

"Well, Mr. Potter," Severus Snape purred, "if you have managed to keep a Dark Lord too busy to think about world domination, surely convincing a Potions Master is well within your ability?"

To the amusement of the assembled teachers and ghosts, the two of them hastily excused themselves, probably to do a bit of – convincing. Minerva merely smirked and crossed out another item on her list. After making sure that the two of them were out of earshot, she asked into the room.

"Any other ideas to add to the list?"

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**A/N:** I don't think this chapter is as funny as the last ones, but that whole 'soulmate'-stuff and the travel-back-in-time-to-miraculously-get-stronger have been annoying me for quite some time. And then, all those horribly unimaginative HP/TR-pairings… I'm always open for new suggestions on what Severus and Harry could be talking about.

Sakiku


	4. Marriage

**Disclaimer:** See 1st Chaper

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**Marriage**

"Sevvy, Sevvy, I'm goin' to mavvy you, Sevvy!"

"You will do no such thing, Mr. Potter! As if it weren't enough that you are 20 years younger than me, you're in the body of a four year old at the moment with a four year old's memory! And, apparently, the deaging spell has addled your brain! You are not going to marry me!"

"Aww, but, but Sevvy, Uncah Dumbly says I'll mavvy you!"

"For the last time, my name is Severus, not Sevvy or any other asinine abbreviation thereof! And why do you think that the headmaster said we would marry?"

"'Cause he said tha' thev's this kind of new vule that says that evvyone's got to mavvy!"

"Are you talking about the marriage law?"

"Yess! Tha'z what Uncah Dumbly's called it!"

"The marriage law is only for those who have survived the Dark Lord's second rising."

"But – but Uncah Dumbly said tha' I did so suvv – suvvie – agh, live, too!"

"You are four years old at the moment, Mr. Potter. Nobody expects you to marry."

"But I volled the dice, an' it said tha' I'm goin' to mavvy you."

"You did _what_?"

"The dice said tha' I'm goin' to mavvy you!"

"Which dice?"

"The one tha' tells Uncah Dumbly who'll mavvy who!"

"The headmaster decides the marriages with a _dice_?"

"He says the dice knows evvything!"

"Yes, yes, I'm sure that the dice knows everything. And the headmaster let you roll that dice?"

"Ehm – he - … Yes."

"Don't lie to me, Mr. Potter. Just what have you done?"

"Well,… I … I wanted to play wif Uncah Dumbly, an' he wasn't theve, an' … I …"

"Let me guess. You somehow broke three dozen rules, again if I might mention, got into something you weren't supposed to, and started rolling the – dice?"

"Tha'z no' – I didn' bveak noh vules! The doov was open!"

"You want to tell me that the headmaster just leaves his door open when he goes away?"

"Uh huh! I jus' asked the big stone if it can' move away, an' it didn' answah, so I gave it some of my tveacle taht, an' then it jumped away!"

"Aside from the headmaster's ill-chosen password, didn't you think that the headmaster doesn't want anyone looking into his room while he is gone?"

"Uh uh. He laughed when I tol' him I volled you, Sevvy, an' then he said I'm goin' to mavvy you."

"Well, then we are going to him right now and tell him that you can't marry me! I refuse to be tied to a mentally unstable toddler!"

"Bu, bu, but, Uncah Dumbly says tha' the dice's nevah wvong!"

"It _is_ wrong!"

"… Pwease, Sevvy, don' be so angvy, it huvts."

"What hurts?"

"Uncah Dumbly said tha' 'cause I volled you, the dice makes me feel wha' you feel, an' now you're angvy, an' it huvts…"

"Since you are clutching your knee, I somehow doubt that it is any kind of bond."

"Bu, but yestvday, Aunty Minnie was angvy, and my avm huvt, an' Uncah Moonie made my othah leg huvt, an' Aunty Tonks made my othah arm huvt, an', an'…"

"Calm down, Mr. Potter. Why was Minerva angry with you yesterday?"

"I said I'm goin' to mavvy her."

"And she got angry?"

"Uh huh."

"And then your arm hurt?"

"Uh huh."

"Same with Lupin and Tonks?"

"Uh huh, nobody loves me, an' nobody wan's to mavvy me, an'…"

"So you decided to try and see if you couldn't marry me?"

"Uh huh."

"What in the world gave you the idea that I would be more amenable to your very clumsy advances than, say, Professor Sprout?"

"Bbut, I didn' voll her!"

"But you rolled me?"

"An' Aunty Minnie, an' Aunty Tonks, an' many mores!"

"Does the headmaster know?"

"Uh huh, he knows I volled you!"

"But not about the others?"

"Uh uh."

"And you have been feeling pain whenever one of us gets angry?"

"Uh huh, an' I don' like it, can you make it go 'way?"

"Does anything else besides your arms and legs hurt?"

"My head!"

"Do you know what makes your head hurt?"

"Uh huh, bu' he's big an' scavy, an' snaky, an' I don' like him at all! I don' wan'a mavvy him!"

"Do you know his name?"

"Lavd Valma, I think, I know evvyone else I volled."

"Lord Voldemort!?! Just what is Dumbledore thinking! I thought he was _dead_!"

"Dea'? Bu' my head huvt's often, and sometimes I can see him, an' I don' wan'a mavvy him!"

"Come on, Mister Potter, I think both of us are going to pay a visit to the Headmaster. I refuse to be married by the roll of a _dice_, especially not when it results in polygamy with a Dark Lord, half the Hogwarts staff, and an infant!"

"Wha's poligame?"

"… Trust me, Mr. Potter, once the de-aging spell wears off, you will be glad that I didn't explain it to you."

Everybody in the staff room broke out in raucous laughter when Harry Potter suddenly cancelled the illusion on himself and, together with Severus Snape, bowed to the assembled crowd.

Minerva chewed the end of her quill, scratching out a few more items on her list. Since the two had taken to tackling at least two rumors at a time, her list was diminishing rather quicker than she had thought, and she was running out of original ideas. What she had would only last for another twenty years or so, but perhaps that was enough for her to go into retirement?

Nah, she decided, and quickly appended two more ideas to the end of the list. She'd have to make sure that they didn't run out…

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**A/N:** Since Maritinkerbell asked so nicely – here's the stuff about marriage laws (and, of course, some other things thrown in). As I said, if your review gets my muse going, you'll get some more chapters…

Sakiku


	5. Lord of Magical Creatures

**A/N:**

This has got some - well, gross themes. Read at your own risk...

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**The Lord of Magical Creatures**

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, MR. POTTER!?"

"Not m' fault, ah, Severus, uh, really, ah, it istn't!"

"Not your fault that you are completely unclothed?"

"Nooooh."

"Not your fault that a thestrals is humping you!"

"No-ooooooh!"

"Not your fault that a krup is licking your front parts!!"

"N-ahhh-ooooh!"

"… Do I even want to know what that snake is doing?"

"Noooh, prob-aaaah-ably nohohot!"

"…"

"… -- …!!... -- …"

"…"

"… --!!-- … --!!#&'#gaaahhhhh…"

"Are you done yet, Mr. Potter?"

"pant Yes, erh, I think so – thanks, Slyther, thanks, Barker, but that's en-enoUGH!!"

"…"

"Is this satisfactory for our deal, Silvermane?"

"… Silvermane?"

"His unicorn name before being raised from the dead as a thestral by an undead dragon. Ewww, Silvermane, did you have to lick me in my face? With all that raw meat you're eating your breath smells disgusting to humans!"

"… _Scourgify_."

"Thanks, Severus. That would have become quite a sticky mess."

"Now that those … animals … are gone, do you care to explain this situation, Mr. Potter?"

"Erh, yes, I think I owe you an explanation…"

"Indeed you do, Mr. Potter, as this interlude was quite disturbing. If you were so kind as to commence talking _today_?"

"Well, you know I have somehow established a third side in this damned war?"

"… Since you have recruited me to spy on both the Dark and the Light Lord for you, yes, I do."

"And you know that I've got the support of most magical creatures?"

"Thus your title as Lord of Magical Creatures. But if this disgusting display earlier was any indication of _how_ you managed to gain their support, I don't want to know if there isn't a second reason for your 'Lord' title."

"NO!! Erh, well, maybe, somewhat, perhaps, but not like that!"

"Elaborate. _Now_."

"Well, I had to gain their respect. Because most of them live with their animalistic instincts, they respond to a show of superiority. And since none of the magical creatures like humans, I had to do it on their terms. Which means, in most cases, defeating their alpha."

"I thought that was in context of a _fight_."

"… Not with Veela, Sirens, Nymphs, Banshees, and some other races. And with all of the canine, vulpine, lupine, and vampiric races, buggering them after defeating them in a fight kind of reinforces your superiority over them, you know? That's more or less hard-wired in their brains."

"I thought those inferior are killed?"

"Or, if those superior decide to keep them around, buggered. Don't worry about not knowing, I haven't seen a Magical Creature book yet that's mentioned _that_ aspect."

"Then how did you come by such knowledge?"

"First-hand experience."

"Excuse me?"

"Well, do you think I won all my dominance fights, especially in the beginning?"

"… So that display earlier meant that you lost to the thestrals, the krups, and the snakes?"

"What? No! Barker is the krup ambassador, and it's her job to keep me happy. Same with Slyther. Believe me, if I don't make use of them every once in a while, they get into trouble for displeasing me."

"And the thestral?"

"Well, Silvermane's somewhat of a special case. You know that we got to the Department of Mysteries via Thestral Airlines? Silvermane's the one I rode on. Later on, when I approached the herd stallion for my Magical Alliance, the stallion demanded that, for them to participate, we had to be equals. So Silvermane and I had to switch roles before they allowed me to participate in the dominance fights. And since it's kind of physically impossible for Silvermane to ride me in the conventional sense, we had to settle on something else…"

"Congratulations, Mr. Potter. I haven't seen anybody yet that has managed to disgust me so thoroughly. And I have seen Ms. Parkinson use a petrified specimen of her house symbol for a very – personal inspection."

"Eww! Thanks for that image! Normally, I'm not that bad! Today was just an exception because I had to be human to satisfy the thestrals' stipulations. Usually, when I interact with other species, I transfigure myself into one of them so that it's fair to both them and me."

"… I think I will go now, Mr. Potter, and forget that this conversation, and what started it, ever happened. Please make sure to conduct your – diplomatic activities somewhere else in the future, where nobody, and I mean _nobody_, will be forced to watch!"

"… So you won't be happy if I bring Slyther tonight?"

"Not if you want to sleep in my bed, Mr. Potter."

"But we're still… ?"

"You better learn a few very good cleaning charms before tonight, Mr. Potter. And think of something to distract me from those images. Better yet, learn how to obliviate properly."

"Thanks, Severus, you're the best!"

* * *

**A/N:**

Well, I warned you. I don't know what came over me. The next one's probably going to become a little bit more conventional...


	6. Chicken or Egg

**Chicken or Egg?**

"Please, Dad, help me!"

"Don't call me that at Hogwarts. You'll address me as 'Professor', like any other student."

"But, Dad, I've been resorted!"

"Again?"

"Yes! I think there's something wrong with that stupid hat! Every first year's been sorted but me."

"Where have you been put this time, Mr. Snape?"

"Merlin house!"

"There is no Merlin house."

"Don't you think I don't know that? That's the 3rd time in as many months that I've been sorted into nonexistent houses, and nobody knows what's wrong with the sorting hat."

"'Nobody' is a little bit exaggerated."

"So you know what's wrong?"

"… Let's say I have a hunch. And that hunch has something to do with a certain headmaster."

"The headmaster knows?"

"I'm quite certain that he doesn't only know, but is the reason for the disturbance."

"Why? He doesn't want me to sort into Slytherin?"

"Partially."

"Why then?"

"Because you need to be sorted into Gryffindor."

"But why?"

"Because in four years' time, you, a brash and naïve Gryffindor, will travel back in time to become my father."

"What?"

"You. Will become my father. In four years."

"But aren't _you_ _my_ father?"

"Well, those are the paradoxes of time-travel. First, you traveled back in time to marry my mother and have me. Then, after Hogwarts, I had you with Lily Evans. And now, you must be sorted into Gryffindor so that you can travel back in time and ensure your own existence."

"… That's so complicated."

"Live with it. I'm the one who has to deal with the idea that they might never even exist if you aren't sorted into Gryffindor."

"Why do I have to be sorted into Gryffindor for that?"

"Because my father was a Gryffindor."

"… and since I'm your father, that means that I have to be a Gryffindor."

"Correct."

"Well, how did I get sorted into Gryffindor the first time then?"

"Don't you think you already would be in Gryffindor if we knew that?"

"So I'll have to think of a way to sort myself into Gryffindor, even if they're completely brash and imbecilic morons?"

"… You won't get far with _that_ attitude."

"Is it my fault that you've been teaching me that for my whole life? What about my grand-father."

"You are your grand-father."

"No, I mean the older me that should be about 70 now. Is he – am I still alive?"

"The day of your birth, you vanished."

"Damn."

"Language."

"Darn."

"Better."

"So now, I've got to be mean to Draco?"

"Since Draco is Slytherin, and all Gryffindors hate Slytherins, yes."

"And nice to the Weasley brat?"

"Yes."

"And courageous and headstrong and rushing into everything without thinking?"

"Yes."

"… How did I survive the first time?"

"I don't know. You better ask how there are _any_ Gryffindor alumni. Personally, I believe that they have the luck of stupidity."

"So that means that, not only do I have to become Gryffindor, but also stupid in order to survive being Gryffindor?"

"That would be wise."

"… I think I like Merlin house better."

"But you need to be Gryffindor."

"Hah! I know! I'll declare that Merlin was a Gryffindor, and then I'll be fine!"

"… Merlin lived a few centuries _before_ the Founders. And, if Merlin had been at Hogwarts, he would have been a Ravenclaw or, more likely, a Slytherin."

"If the headmaster announces that Merlin was a Gryffindor, then Merlin was a Gryffindor."

"There aren't many who would believe that."

"But the Gryffindors would."

"Well, yes, they would."

"And the Slytherins know when to keep their mouths shut, especially if you explain it to them."

"… Yes."

"That means that we're done!"

"What about Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff?"

"Since when do they have anything to say?"

"You're absolutely right. Let's go to the headmaster. We have a paradox to solve."

* * *

**A/N:**

Well, that was my take on all those resorting-stories, and those Father-Son-stories. And, of course, the way Hogwarts houses work. Pure crack.

Sakiku

Ps: Five words to reach 6666


	7. Plotting for Beginners

* * *

**Disclaimer:**

I don't own Harry Potter. Really.

* * *

**Plotting for Beginners**

"Hm. Well, if I paid them … and then faked his signature … and, not to mention, have to inform Griphook… "

"Mr. Potter. What are you doing on your own, holed up in a broom closet, and talking about faking signatures?"

"Oh, hi Professor Snape. I was just plotting."

"Plotting? A Gryffindor like you?"

"I'll have you know that I was almost sorted into Slytherin!"

"Well then, what were you plotting?"

"Nothing, nothing. Just trying to get rid of Dumbles."

"That is Headmaster Dumbledore to you, Mr. Potter. And how would you manage such a feat? He is one of the most respected people in today's wizarding society."

"Well, in the beginning I thought of slipping him some kind of befuddlement draught, or a confusion spell, so that everyone could see what a senile old codger he really is. There is just no way that they would leave the school in the hands of someone who couldn't even find his own nose in the dark."

"Absolutely useless, Mr. Potter. Both befuddlement draughts and confusion spells wear off after a certain period of time, not to mention that they can easily be detected by an experienced healer."

"Really? Good to know; I was too stuck on the problem of how to administer such spells without catching anyone's attention. Another way I thought of was that I could officially try to discredit his authority. I bet that if I told Mrs. Skeeter how incapable he is of hiring competent professors, that the Hogwarts Board would look for a better Headmaster. I mean, our DADA teachers have been one fluke after another, first Voldemort himself, then a notorious liar, a werewolf, a death eater, and that stupid ministry bint last year. It's a miracle that there are still pupils here who pass their DADA NEWTs. Not to mention _your_ extremely biased and uneducational potions lessons."

"I will thank you very much, Mr. Potter, to keep your unqualified comments to yourself. Try teaching a group of twenty pubescent adolescents how to handle volatile ingredients without blowing anything up either accidentally or deliberately first before criticizing the way I handle my lessons. And if you are so critical – why didn't you include the Half-Giant in your enumeration?"

"Well, he's the reason why I actually didn't go through with that plan. I like him too much to hurt him like that. A statement like that from me would cost him his job, and he'd be fired."

"Oh, but you didn't have any qualms of endangering my position?"

"Not really. After all, you're only a conceited, greasy dungeon-bat."

"I will remember that, Mr. Potter, the next time you come knocking on my office door and ask for a hang-over cure."

"Hey, that was only once!"

"Once a week, you mean."

"I'm not _that_ bad! Half of the time, it's for Ron or Hermione."

"Since whenever the two of them are involved you aren't far, it stands to reason that they hadn't been drinking alone. Now, what was that about faking signatures?"

"Don't look at me like that! That was only a hypothetical idea I came up with when I gave up the 'Incompetent-Teacher' one."

"Really? What signatures would you have faked?"

"Dumbledore's. I was thinking of arranging it that the 300 Galleons a month I've been paying Ron, Hermione and Ginny for the past three years looked like Dumbledore had arranged them through misusing my trust fund."

"You actually _pay_ your friends?"

"Sure, why do you think they still are my friends? Because they actually _like_ me? Nah, that's all to fool Dumbles into believing I'm a normal, if shy, young boy."

"Then what sense would it make to pin those payments on the Headmaster?"

"Very simple: Until my last birthday, he was my Magical Guardian, since none of my parents' other choices for that job were available. If I make it seem that he was the one who initiated those payments from my account, that would mean that he more or less hired them to become my friends. Still with me?"

"I am a Slytherin, Mr. Potter. Of course I can follow you. However, I am still waiting for your point."

"No need to get nasty. Well, what do you think poor little Harry's reaction will be to finding out that his best friends are only his best friends because of money? And, even worse, that his highly-respected Headmaster and grandfather-figure had made those arrangements with poor little Harry's own money? The very same funds that his Magical Guardian has managed in his stead ever since his birth?"

"That is quite a lot of planning for throwing a public temper tantrum."

"It is, isn't it? Afterwards, after having made sure that at least half the Hogwarts population and at least one or two ministry lackeys have heard of it, poor little Harry is going to stomp off and swear he's never going to return to Hogwarts. And then, if Dumbles tries to get him to go back, everyone will be against Dumbles because they think Dumbles only wants to get his puppet back. So poor little Harry will be allowed to wander off on his own, and everybody assumes he's training for his job in all secrecy without ever coming back to Hogwarts."

"… If I have understood you correctly, all of this is so that you can skip school without interference from the Headmaster."

"Well, not exactly, but… basically, yes."

"Ah. I see. The sorting hat made the right decision by placing you in Gryffindor."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You utterly failed to see the greater picture, an absolute necessity before even thinking about any of your so-called plans. Tell me, why did you come back to your sixth year at all? You have your OWLS, so it isn't mandatory anymore for you to attend school."

"I thought about that, too, but Dumbles and the rest of the wizarding world would never let me go!"

"Why?"

"Well, I'm the Boy-Who-Lived after all, and I need to train and defeat the Dark Lord."

"Hm. That is where you are mistaken."

"Huh?"

"Very intelligent, Mr. Potter. For your information, Headmaster Dumbledore would gladly let you go. He told me so himself after the last time you died his beard green, glued his backside to a chair, and filled his lemon drops with stinksap. The only reason you haven't been expelled yet is that your parents have made him swear to give you all the education you wanted."

"Wait a minute. Does that mean that I could just walk out of here and nobody would say anything?"

"Yes."

"What about Voldemort? Don't I have to get some training to defeat him?"

"Not really. You are a decoy for the Longbottom boy, who is the prophesized one. I am sure the Headmaster can make it seem like he sends you someone to train you in secret."

"What? I'm not the one the Prophecy…"

"No. After seeing Longbottom reflect the killing curse on Voldemort, the Headmaster immediately knew it would be too dangerous to let everyone know the identity of their real savior, since he could see that Voldemort was only defeated but not completely gone. If Voldemort ever came to power again, he would immediately want to destroy the one who had banished him. The Headmaster swapped the two of you so that in case Voldemort succeeded in killing the 'Prophesized Boy', he would be completely unprepared for the real one still being alive. If you are the one to kill Voldemort instead – well, nothing lost. Elemental strategy, free after Sun Tsu, The Art of War. Hide your strong points as weak points, and don't mention the weak ones at all."

"… I can't believe that! The Headmaster would never…"

"That is the reason you weren't sorted into Slytherin, Mr. Potter."

"Ok. Assuming that all that bogus stuff you just told me is true, Dumbles would still let me go?"

"Yes."

"And he would keep up a pretense of having sent me to specialized training so that the public doesn't catch on?"

"Yes."

"But since everybody assumes that I am the prophesized one, Voldemort would still be after _me_, not Neville, and I'd be all alone with no training and nobody to help me."

"Excellent deductive reasoning."

"… And assuming that this decoy story is _not_ true, Voldemort is also going to be after me, and if I left Hogwarts, I'd be all alone with no training and nobody to help me."

"Congratulations, Mr. Potter. Maybe even Gryffindors possess a shred of intelligence."

"I hate you. Why couldn't you just have said 'No, Potter, skipping school is _not_ advisable for someone in your situation'? Why make up all that stuff about Neville being the Boy Who Lived?"

"Who says I made all of this up? This is how a _real_ Slytherin plots. Oh, and by the way, the Headmaster was a Slytherin himself."

"What? But his Chocolate Frog Card said he was a Gryffindor!"

"…"

"Do you have to raise your eyebrow like that? Oh, don't tell me. Dumbles making everybody believe he was a Gryffindor is actually his ultimate plotting plan of hiding his Slytherin nature? Misdirection after Sung the art of war, too?"

"Exactly. And it is Sun Tsu, not Sung Too."

"But, even though he is a Slytherin, he will act in a Gryffindor way to keep up the ruse. What difference does that make to him being a real Gryffindor? If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck…"

"… then it probably is an Animagus in disguise, an illusion, or a shape-shifting magical elephant."

"There are magical shape-shifting elephants?"

"I haven't seen one yet because they are always shifting shapes."

"I think I'm getting a headache. Why does everything have to be so complicated with you Slytherins? Just what exactly are you trying to do here, help me or confuse me?"

"Which side am I on? Voldemort's or Dumbledore's?"

"Good question. Dumbles is absolutely certain you are his spy in Voldemort's ranks. And since Voldemort probably has other spies on Dumbles, he probably knows that you spy for Dumbles. So, because you haven't been killed yet that means that Voldemort has to be absolutely certain that you only pretend to be Dumble's spy, making you Voldemort's spy in reality. Hm. And since Dumbles knows that Voldemort thinks you're only pretending to be Dumble's spy, it's certain that Voldemort knows that Dumbles knows that Voldemort knows that Dumbles knows you're actually his spy."

"… Yes."

"… Did that even make sense?"

"No."

"Arrrrrgh!"

"You are catching on, Mr. Potter."

* * *

**A/N:**

That is what you get when you read too many Hermione-Ron-Ginny-Dumbledore bashing stories. It seems to be a reoccurrent theme there that Harry's friends are only bought with money. So I tried to turn things around. And, of course, the true Master of Plotting can't be called Harry Potter...


	8. Cake

**A/N:**

No explanation for this weird bit of insanity. Take it as a belated April Fool's joke.

* * *

**Cake**

"Severus! Come back here! NOW!"

"Agh ga ga goo goo?"

"I swear it, if you don't come here right now, you won't get your Voldemort plushie back!"

"Awww brub babb ga babb broo!"

"Yes, I know I still owe you one for rescuing me from that de-aging potion because it would have deaged me right out of existence. But how could I have known that Dumbledore would resort to such low methods?"

"Ga brooo…"

"You're right, ever since you helped me infiltrate Voldemort's ranks, he hasn't trusted me. But, Dumbledore's still the Light Lord, isn't he? I would have expected something more … obvious from him."

"Babb ga ga goo goo brub burb ga bubb."

"What do you mean, if even I can learn to be sneaky, then so can he?"

"Brub goo goo!!"

"Hey, it was me and my ability that allowed me to overthrow Voldemort and take over his followers. You did next to nothing!"

"Waah pupp brooo!"

"Alright, alright, you were the one who introduced me to Voldemort's ranks in the first place…"

"Ga ga bupp broo goo!"

"… and taught me how to throw all those nifty dark curses…"

"Ga goo broo."

"… and helped me gain the trust of all those paranoid dark wankers…"

"Broo broo gack!"

"… and, of course, made the poison that made Voldemort mortal so that I could kill him…"

"Broo ga goo!!"

"… and took care of his remains. Ok, ok, I got it, you did a lot, but the rest, I did on my own! I became Voldemort II on my own merits! And that was me who chose my Cake Eaters!"

"Brlaaaah…"

"Well, what else was I supposed to call them? 'Death Eater II' is so unimaginative, and not to mention cliché. I wonder sometimes why Voldie I chose such a plebian image…"

"Gaga bapp ga boo."

"Oh, _my_ mark is so much better than Voldie's skull-snake, too! First off, it's a lot more unnoticeable. I mean, who is stupid enough to brand their allegiance onto their _forearm_! Always wearing long sleeves's got to be a bitch during summer."

"Brlabb babb goo goo."

"Well, who would think that a guy with an 'I (heart) Cake'-tattoo on their right ass-cheek is a Cake Eater?"

"Bloooo…"

"Alright, that's kind of obvious. But with a name like 'Cake Eater', we'll have a huge advantage. I mean, everyone's going to be laughing too hard to defend themselves, and then we'll take over the world with minimal losses!"

"Gack ga boo brapp?"

"Well, yes, didn't you know? I want to take over the world. That's been my dream for, like, forever!"

"Gaga goo goo."

"What do you mean, why do I want to take over the world. To establish the World Cake Day, of course!"

"Broooo…"

"No, I'm not insane. I'm a lot saner than the rest of humanity!"

"Gaga ga brooo…"

"Hey, I like my title as 'Voldemort II'! That's a name that inspires fear in every heart, and when they hear it, they'll run away and let me take over the world! I'm not going to rename myself into 'Nutty the Fruit Cake'. That sounds so – common."

"Babra goo dee."

"That's not Azkaban's fault! I wanted to take over the world even before that. And it's not like I stayed there for long, only ten years. And you were the only one who didn't believe in my innocence."

"Gaga brapp da."

"Oh, it was the other way round? You were the only one who did believe in my innocence? Well, doesn't matter now. Here's your Voldie plushie. I'm well on my way to world domination, my Cake Eaters have connections to every government, and it'll only take another twenty years for you to grow up into my Cake'o'nator."

"Brooo gack!!!"

"What!!! You don't want to become a Cake Eater!?! What do you want to become then?"

"Brooo gack gack!"

"... I should have known that someone like you would want to become a dentist..."


	9. Little Red Ridinghood

**Little Red Riding-hood**

"P-p-professor! Why are your eyes so red?"

"Probably irritated from the noxious fumes you imbecilic dunderheads insist on producing while brewing perfectly harmless potions, Mr. Potter."

"But, Professor, why are your ears so pointed?"

"Childhood accident with a pencil-sharpener."

"Erh, Professor, I don't want to say anything, but you kind of have – well, fangs in your mouth…"

"That would be your clue to run, Mr. Potter."

"… Why?"

"Because I am a dark, evil vampire that is going to eat you."

"I've never seen a dark, evil vampire with pointed ears."

"You have never seen a vampire, period."

"But I thought vampires were just normal humans that were turned to the Dark Side of Magic?"

"As I said. Childhood accident with a pencil-sharpener."

"So it's my job now to run?"

"Traditionally, yes."

"… Don't you find it stupid having to chase after every meal?"

"That is my daily exercise."

"_Daily_?"

"I need to replenish my complete blood volume once a week lest it starts molding. If I don't want to kill my donors, I better take only a little bit every day."

"So you're really the Dark Bat from the dungeons."

"Since I cannot turn into a bat, that is a misnomer."

"Can you turn into anything else? Something cool like a wolf or a vulture?"

"… Since when have vultures been considered 'cool'?"

"Well, they're the newest trend. All the Ravenclaws are trying to redecorate their common room with vultures. Didn't you see the huge vulture on the Ravenclaw banner this lunch in the Great Hall?"

"That was a vulture? I thought that had been the result of one of my Slytherins trying to turn their raven into a snake."

"Nope. Vulture."

"Ah."

"Mhm."

"… Aren't you forgetting something, Mr. Potter?"

"Pretty sure I am. But since I've forgotten it, would you mind reminding me, professor?"

"Impertinent brat. I am talking about my daily exercise."

"Daily exercise… Oh, you mean that I should start running? Sorry, Sir, but running's not really my thing, too many bad childhood memories, you know? I like flying better."

"Since we have already established that I am not able to assume an avian form, I would kindly suggest you desist from flying, Mr. Potter."

"Never said anything about you having to turn into a flying bloodsucker. Why don't you do it like the rest of humanity, with a broom?"

"… That is not an option."

"But why? Don't worry, I won't do any seeker's maneuvers, and I'll even let you catch up eventually."

"Flying in general is not an option."

"Oh? I never heard anything about vampires needing to stay on the ground."

"… If you must know, they are personal problems."

"Oh… Ohhhh! You know, you could have just told me that you were afraid of heights. So, does that mean that you could turn into a bat if you really wanted to?"

"No, I could not. It would be best if you ran now, Potter."

"You know, can't we skip the running part and go straight to the… well, whatever you're going to do to me afterwards?"

"… Mr. Potter, are you aware of the purpose of the hunt?"

"Exercise for you, you said. There's something else?"

"The various chemicals released during a chase make the blood more easily digestible."

"Meaning I taste better."

"That is a coincidental side-effect."

"Does it still work if I am just running because you tell me to? I thought there had to be some kind of fear or panic involved to make a good hunt."

"You are correct."

"Sorry, Sir, but at the moment, I really don't feel inclined to panic."

"Is my appearance and the knowledge that I am a vampire not enough?"

"After six years of potions with you, I got kind of desensitized to that. Why don't you try Neville if you need fear?"

"And there I thought Gryffindors valued friendship."

"Hey, I'm a Gryffindor and not a Hufflepuff. And since the textbook definition of 'courage' is doing things despite being afraid of them, that means suggesting Neville is a very courageous act from my side."

"How come?"

"Well, I'm afraid of how he and the rest of the Gryffindors are going to react to that. But, brave that I am, I won't let that deter me from my set course of action."

"Very Slytherin of you."

"Oh, goodness, no! If I were Slytherin, I would have suggested Neville to save my own skin, not to save the world."

"So now, you're not only courageous but also going to save the world by placing Longbottom in peril?"

"Sure. I'm the Boy-Who-Lived, and it's my job to kill Voldemort and thus save the world. And I can't kill Voldemort if you suck me dry beforehand."

"I wonder how you made it into Gryffindor with reasoning like that."

"And I wonder how you made it into Slytherin with a character like that."

"Why?"

"After seven years of being in a den of snakes and three more as a Death Eater hand-picked by Voldemort, you still have enough courage and foolhardy brashness left to voluntarily spy on the darkest Lord in half a century?"

"I am a Dark Creature, so of course I was going to be sorted into Slytherin."

"And I am a Dark Creature, too, so that doesn't count."

"Oh? And, pray tell, what kind of creature are you?"

"A Submissive Whatchamacallit."

"A submissive _what_?"

"No, not a Submissive What. A Submissive Whatchamacallit. There's a difference. Whatchamacallits are more mysterious than Whats."

"Do not lie to me, Mr. Potter. You look and smell human, so there is no need to invent an imaginary magical race."

"Ah, but that's the clue. My Whatchamacallit heritage will only appear coming July 31st when whatever clock I have at hand strikes midnight, and then I'll have exactly one year to find my destined Dominant Whatchamacallit soul-mate who'll probably be Draco now that I know that you're a vampire already, or I will perish most direly."

"… Who told you this nonsense?"

"Luna. And it's not nonsense. She said that my grandmother's cousin's brother's uncle's room-mate was a Whatchamacallit, and ever since the gene's been recessive in the Evans line, and it only reawakened in me because I'm special. When I turn into a Whatchamacallit, I'll get some awesome bonus features, too, like x-ray vision and being able to drink pumpkin juice through my nose while standing on my head, but since they're so awesome, they gotta be balanced out by the prospect of being forced into loveless sex with my Dominant."

"… I see. Where did you say Longbottom was again?"

"Not going to suck my blood after all?"

"I am not sure whether your… Whatchamacallit nature is contagious. I would rather not risk infecting myself with your… heritage."

"Didn't even think of that, that my blood might not be digestible for vampires. I always thought Whatchamacallit blood had to be especially delicious and addicting for all other Dark Creatures. Oh, and Neville's in the second green-house, helping Professor Sprout breed a new, especially dangerous version of the Venomous Man-Eating Tentacular. But since you're a vampire and not a man, it shouldn't go after you. I think. Good luck!"

"… Thank you. Good bye, Mr. Potter."

**

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A/N:** Creature fics. Enough said.

Comments and suggestions to improve always welcome!

Sakiku


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